I was talking to Missy about you and before I realized it there was a grin on my face bigger than anything I've carried in months. That doesn't always happen when I talk about you, at least not anymore, but I'm glad that it did. Later I got a text from you and thought it said "I love you," and my heart flew up to my throat and began racing. That also doesn't happen often. It made me happy on top of the happiness I already felt, which says something. Maybe I should get that feeling more often.
At the bar...
Andrew: Boyfriends suck. They get you to love them and then they
Andrew and Me: (simultaneously) break your heart.
Me: Mine still tells me he loves me every day, and I do the same :/
Lindsey: Is this the Seattle boy?
Me: Yeah, Nicholas *dazed smile*
Lindsey: Well if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend that's the time when you get really drunk and text him, saying something like "I don't love you anymore and I never will."
Me: But I do. Love him, that is.
Lindsey: Well you have to lie to him, and once you have him convinced you'll be able to start convincing yourself as well.
Maybe I *should* lie...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Out of Time
You're running out of time. I don't know if that matters or not because your mind has probably been made up for a while now, but you're running out of time. Time for love, time for potential, time for us. Don't get me wrong. I'll always love you, always care about you, always be around. But I won't be in love with you again unless something comes soon.
I feel the chain wrapping around my heart, pulling tighter. Pretty soon the lock will slide into place and I'll be someone that can't ever be hurt by you again but can't ever be loved by you either. Whether I want that or not is inconsequential because there's no other option. Little by little I'm moving out of your reach.
Last night I tried...using your stuff. It's been months since I used any of it but I thought I'd enjoy it and feel good after. But I couldn't get it to work because every time I would get going I'd slam into a wall. Something kept pushing me back. I think it's because when you're involved I can't experience something like that without opening up emotionally, and my defenses won't allow that right now.
You always said that when the sex wasn't there the relationship was gone as well. My experience last night doesn't exactly fit that category but it's not completely separate either. What does it mean? Where does that put us?
It won't be like last December, I could never cut you off because you're too important to me. Your happiness is important to me. Your success is important to me. Your dreams are important to me. So I'll be here to answer your text when you're down, or to laugh about something the Doctor did, but I won't let myself be part of your dreams. I won't be your "otter."
God, I used to love that name. Now it makes me shake and want to pull away, the letters wrack my heart with pain. I don't want to be called that anymore. I'm sorry...I love you but I can't separate that name from the identity it used to have. Lover, boyfriend, something of the sort though we never gave it a name. That doesn't exist anymore.
I call you babe but...I don't know what that means to me. I know what I feel, what I want it to be, but is any of that a possibility? I think the time has come for me to stop saying it.
This sounds very pessimistic and that's not what I want. I'm very optimistic about my future, about love, about life. Every time I travel to a tournament or go to the bars I'm reminded that there are awesome guys out there, guys that also recognize how awesome I am. When I find one I want to be with I won't have any trouble making it work.
I mean, I really want a boyfriend but not in the way people think. When most guys say they want a boyfriend it means they want to settle or want affection because they're tired of waiting and think that nothing will come unless they compromise. I don't want to settle, I want a boyfriend and until I find someone who's amazing enough to warrant me giving him that title I'm going to date or hang out but nothing more.
Part of the frustration stems from that want. You're someone that I would want to give that to and would love to receive it from in return. I don't see anyone out there that moves me the way you do so there are times when I feel like fate is telling me it's you. You may be the only one right now but there are still others out there and I'll find them if you don't find me first.
I feel the chain wrapping around my heart, pulling tighter. Pretty soon the lock will slide into place and I'll be someone that can't ever be hurt by you again but can't ever be loved by you either. Whether I want that or not is inconsequential because there's no other option. Little by little I'm moving out of your reach.
Last night I tried...using your stuff. It's been months since I used any of it but I thought I'd enjoy it and feel good after. But I couldn't get it to work because every time I would get going I'd slam into a wall. Something kept pushing me back. I think it's because when you're involved I can't experience something like that without opening up emotionally, and my defenses won't allow that right now.
You always said that when the sex wasn't there the relationship was gone as well. My experience last night doesn't exactly fit that category but it's not completely separate either. What does it mean? Where does that put us?
It won't be like last December, I could never cut you off because you're too important to me. Your happiness is important to me. Your success is important to me. Your dreams are important to me. So I'll be here to answer your text when you're down, or to laugh about something the Doctor did, but I won't let myself be part of your dreams. I won't be your "otter."
God, I used to love that name. Now it makes me shake and want to pull away, the letters wrack my heart with pain. I don't want to be called that anymore. I'm sorry...I love you but I can't separate that name from the identity it used to have. Lover, boyfriend, something of the sort though we never gave it a name. That doesn't exist anymore.
I call you babe but...I don't know what that means to me. I know what I feel, what I want it to be, but is any of that a possibility? I think the time has come for me to stop saying it.
This sounds very pessimistic and that's not what I want. I'm very optimistic about my future, about love, about life. Every time I travel to a tournament or go to the bars I'm reminded that there are awesome guys out there, guys that also recognize how awesome I am. When I find one I want to be with I won't have any trouble making it work.
I mean, I really want a boyfriend but not in the way people think. When most guys say they want a boyfriend it means they want to settle or want affection because they're tired of waiting and think that nothing will come unless they compromise. I don't want to settle, I want a boyfriend and until I find someone who's amazing enough to warrant me giving him that title I'm going to date or hang out but nothing more.
Part of the frustration stems from that want. You're someone that I would want to give that to and would love to receive it from in return. I don't see anyone out there that moves me the way you do so there are times when I feel like fate is telling me it's you. You may be the only one right now but there are still others out there and I'll find them if you don't find me first.
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